dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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