is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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