JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize