you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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