3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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