I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
