I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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