Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
