If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
