Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
God I need to hump something, right now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
