My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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