i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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