I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's the barista slut.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
