it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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