I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
