I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize