I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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