I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
