Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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