So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
