Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
