please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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