I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
