I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
