i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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