Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
