Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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