I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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