last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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