I think I am morally bankrupt
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i drank out of a bidet.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
