how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
