You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
