my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
