so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
