I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize