Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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