If that was your dad, he is hot
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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