I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
