You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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