My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
