It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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