Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
