I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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