First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
