The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
