he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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