Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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