Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
