A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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