sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
someone threw a dead crab at me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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