I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
