My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize