forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
