dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
