oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
